Fair play
by Ninjamuffin13
Summary: Corndogs, stuffed kitties, and clowns abound when Seras manages to drag Alucard around. Where? The fair! Read if you dare, but beware: though this ain't crack, it's kinda whack!
1. Going to the Where?

Ok, This is my (first) attempt at a pointless Hellsing fic. (Or is it my pointless attempt?) Either way, it's meant to be light and, most likely, short. As always, it's a romantic comedy. The pairing is Alucard/Seras. It's not going to have anything worse than a teen rating. All the romantic stuff will be fluff. Right, well, off we go.

**Integra: In the name of God, the anime and manga Hellsing will never belong to Ninjamuffin13. Amen. **

Rub it in, why don't ya? Chapter time!

**Chapter One: Going to the Where?**

"Please, Master? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?" A young fledgling vampire named Seras Victoria was literally on her knees, begging her master for something.

"Police Girl, if I've said no for the past hour, what makes you believe I will say yes this time?" Sometimes the Police Girl's actions could be just plain confusing.

Seras stood up and looked her master straight in the glasses. "What if I drink my blood?" she was pretty desperate. She hated drinking blood more than most anything.

Her master shifted his head so that he could look at her over his yellow-tinted glasses. "You should be drinking it anyway." he pointed out. Seras let out a disheartened sigh. "But" the tall vampire continued, rising from his seat. "I doubt you'll ever stop your incessant nagging if I don't."

Seras nearly jumped for joy, but managed to keep the urge down. "Thank you, Master!" she cried happily.

"You still must drink your blood, Police Girl." Seras paled slightly at the reminder, but was obedient.

"Yes, master." she turned around and left her master's room, heading for her own. Her footsteps echoed slightly in the halls of the mansion's basement, which was more like catacombs. She opened the heavy wooden door and stepped into her small room. On the table in the center of the room stood her dinner in the form of a pouch of blood in a bucket filled with ice. She shivered slightly at the thought of drinking it.

'_I'll just down it before I have a chance to taste it.' she decided. She didn't think it tasted bad, quite the contrary. She loved the taste of it. That's what scared her. It wasn't really all that long ago that she was human herself. She didn't quite believe her plan, though. As a result, she simply stood, rooted in place, staring at the bag. _

"Well?" Seras jumped at the sound of her master's voice behind her. She sometimes forgot that he could just teleport wherever he wished. She could delay it no longer. If she didn't drink it now, her master might change his mind. She gingerly ripped open one side of the top and brought it to her lips. Slowly, she tipped the bag and allowed the crimson liquid into her mouth. She closed her eyes and tried not to taste it as she swallowed it in huge gulps. Before she knew it, she had drunk every drop.

She held the bag in front of her and blinked at it for a few seconds before showing it to her master with a triumphant grin. "Look! I drank all of it!"

Her master chuckled for a moment before patting her head. "That's a good girl." he said.

Seras seemed to remember something, then grabbed hold of her master's sleeve and started pulling him out the door. "Come one, master! It'll close if we don't hurry! And we still need to ask Sir Integra!" (Seras had asked her master first because she wanted to leave the hard one until last.)

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"I'm sorry, Officer Victoria. What are you asking again?" Sir Integra Hellsing had stopped listening halfway through the female vampire's request. She was usually quite attentive, but she had a lot on her mind.

"I was asking if I could take Master to the fair." Seras said again.

"The fair? We are talking about the same Alucard, aren't we?"

"Yes, sir."

"I doubt he would want to go to the fair." Integra dismissed the subject.

"I already asked him. He said he'd go!" Seras desperately exclaimed. "Please? Besides missions, I haven't been out of the mansion in weeks!"

Integra sighed. "Alucard and public settings don't mix very well." she recalled one incident, nearly ten years ago, when Alucard had shot a clown. Not that she particularly liked clowns, but it had been a pain to cover up.

"Do you really want him to stay here and get bored?" Seras played her trump card. If there was anything more destructive than Alucard, it was Alucard when he was bored. Integra could only guess at how many thousands of pounds the vampire had cost her because of his boredom.

"Ok, fine! Take him. But, I am holding you responsible for anything he does." Integra commanded and went back to her paperwork.

"Thank you, Sir!" Seras saluted happily and left the office, barely containing her excitement.

Moments later, Integra looked up to see Alucard standing in front of her. "What do you want, Alucard?" Integra asked in a tired voice.

"Why did you grant the police girl's request?" It was obvious that Alucard had been counting on his master to say no.

"I simply thought I'd allow her to take you to the fair. It's not often you get to go out." Integra smiled a sickeningly sweet smile.

"May I remind you of the clown incident?"

"Ah, speaking of that," Integra dropped the smile "If you so much as growl at someone, I will lock you in your room without blood for a month! Now, go have fun at the fair." Her smile was back in place. "That's an order."

Alucard merely shrugged and grinned his psychotic grin, phasing through the floor. Unfortunately for him, he didn't get out in time to miss hearing "And leave your gun with Walter!"

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Meanwhile, Seras was in her room, modeling some non-work clothes in front of her mirror. Yes, vampires reflect. At least in this fic, anyway.

"Oh, I'm going to the fair with Master. Going to the Fair, I know-oh-oh-oh. Going to the fair with Masteeeerrrrr. Get dressed before he shows!" she sang to the tune of 'Someone's in the kitchen with Dina' Having found what she wished to wear, she quickly changed, lest her master walk in on her. He didn't seem to know about knocking.

**Knock Knock**

Oh, maybe he did. Seras opened the door to see Walter standing there nervously.

"Hello, Walter! What can I do for you?" She cheerily asked.

"Yes, ah, have you seen Alucard, by any chance?" the aging butler asked, shaking slightly.

"Oh, Master should be here any second. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Ms. Victoria. It's just…."

"What?"

"Well, it seems that Sir Integra has asked me to, ah, take Alucard's Jackal." Walter looked around nervously.

Seras' eyes widened. Was that even possible? She had never seen her master without his beloved gun. "Why would she do that?" Seras' voice shook a little.

"It would appear she does not wish to repeat the clown incident." Walter smiled slightly.

"Apparently not." Walter turned around, coming face to face with the vampire in question.

"Alucard, Give me the gun." Walter lost all traces of nervousness. He held out his hand expectantly.

Alucard glared at him for a moment, then shrugged and placed it in the butler's hand. He found immense enjoyment in watching Walter struggle to hold it with just one hand. "Like I would need a gun anyway." It was easy to see that the great vampire was huffing. He looked to Seras. "Shall we, Police Girl?" He asked with a bow.

Seras giggled and squeezed past the still struggling Walter.

And with that, they left. They were going to the fair.

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Ok, so, what do you think? Good, bad? Review and tell me!


	2. The Haunted House

Wow, this has been up less than twenty four hours and I already got reviews! I thought I might as well give you another chapter.

**Animationwickedraven- Hmm, I guess they are in character. I only read the first book of the manga, so I'm not really sure about many details. I did watch the anime, though. Also, you're the first person from my other story to review this one. Congrats! **

**Dividedsky- I'm glad you're enjoying it. It does, doesn't it? **

**Redhotchillipeppers- Uh, ok. **

**StarBerrygirl- Yes, the yay-ness. **

**Alucard's Secert Lover- He doesn't take kindly to clowns. **

Ok, that was mighty quick. Anyway, disclaimer.

**Seras: Right! Well, if you'll just turn your attention to this chart, you'll see that Ninjamuffin13 doesn't own Hellsing in any way. **

Exactly. No suing me. K? Chapter!

**Chapter Two: The Haunted House**

They were going to the fair.

"Come on, Master!" Seras excitedly tugged on the red-clad vampire's sleeve. "You can't tell me you're not excited! You haven't been out like this since the clown incident." She was literally pulling him out the door.

Alucard would have sighed if he were human. "Why must everyone bring that incident up?"

"You did shoot the poor guy." Seras pointed out. Alucard muttered something about sorcerers with rainbow hair. "Come on, it'll be loads of fun! You said you would!"

"Fine, I'll accompany you to this 'fair'." Alucard gave in. If anything, he kept his word. Which is why he never gave it. Well, usually, anyway.

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Later, when they actually got to the fair, Seras was running back and forth at a million miles an hour, unable to decide what to do first.

"Police Girl, I may not get out much, but I thought the point of such events were to help people relax." Alucard laughed as he watched her. His laughter was short lived, however, as Seras pulled him to the ride she had decided.

"The….. Han, no, Haunted House." Alucard struggled slightly with the words on the sign. He hadn't read anything in more than a hundred years. He looked to his fledgling. "You must be joking."

"Come on, it'll be fun!" Seras declared for what seemed to be the thousandth time that evening. Her cheerfulness seemed to have no end. With a slight groan, the ancient vampire allowed himself to be pulled into the haunted house.

Inside was the run of the mill haunted house. And, while Seras was thoroughly enjoying herself, Alucard was bored.

"This 'haunted house' leaves much to be desired." he noted.

"Aren't you having fun, Master?" Seras asked him in a chipper voice before being scared silly by some random pop-up bogum. (I made up that word! I think.)

"Are humans scared so easily that a simple piece of cloth can-" Alucard stopped short in surprise as Seras was scared again, clinging to her master out of instinct.

"Eeep!" came her shrill cry of fright. After a few seconds, when she had a chance to clam down, she realized exactly who it was she was holding on to. "Ah! Sorry, Master!" she cried, throwing both hands out to the side and backing up quickly. She closed her eyes, hoping she hadn't angered him. After a couple seconds of silence, she opened her eyes to see her Master with a most peculiar look on his face. He quickly shook it off.

"Police Girl, I have an idea."

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Seras walked down the aisles of the haunted house, at the head of a small group. She couldn't believe she was actually going along with her master's plan. She normally stayed as far away as possible when he had ideas like this.

"Oh, don't you guys worry!" she loudly called to the group behind her. "I've been through this thing a hundred times." As they turned another corner, she suddenly saw four pairs of eyes peering at her from the darkness, accompanied by a loud growl. "That's not supposed to be here!" she cried fearfully. At that moment, a giant, eight-eyed monster of a dog leapt upon her, it's teeth closing around her throat. The group behind her let out blood-curdling screams of terror and ran away.

Seras laughed as they fled, finding it immensely funny. "Ha ha ha! Look at 'em run!" she laughed. She rolled on the floor, incapacitated by her laughter. She was soon joined by her master, whom had returned to his normal form. After they had calmed down enough to stand, they did.

"It appears I was wrong about this haunted house." Alucard said, still chuckling slightly. "You just need to use it right."

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"You go check it out, Ernie!" a rather fat, short, and middle-aged man grumbled to himself, annoyed that he had been elected to check out whatever had happened in the haunted house. "I can't believe I left the circus for this." He slowly hobbled up the steps to the attraction, leaning heavily on his good leg. He had lost most use of his left leg some years ago, in an accident, he called it. As he neared the entrance, he heard voices.

"You just need to use it right." said a deep male voice. He knew he had heard it before, but he couldn't place it.

"That was the most fun I've had in months!" came a female voice. He hadn't heard this one before. They seemed to be getting closer.

"A bunch of hoodlums, eh? I'll teach 'em to mess with my fair!" Ernie made his way down the first corridor and, as he rounded the first corner, ran smack into a tall, red-clad man. "Aha! So you're the one who's been………." Ernie's jaw hung open in mid-sentence as he saw the face of the man. The man just stared back at him, equally shocked.

"Gun!" Ernie screamed.

"Clown!" yelled Alucard at the same time. Ernie turned and hobbled as fast as he could, leaving behind cries of "No, Master! Let him live!"

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That seems like a nice place to leave this. Hope you didn't hate it too much. Please Review! I know it's really short, but you know.


	3. Mein Hut!

Ok, here's another chapter. **I am beyond sorry for the HUGE delay. I literally forgot that I had not finished this yet. Sorry again.**

**Alucard's secret lover**- See Ernie. See Ernie run. Run Ernie run. This update took much longer than it should have.

**Stephanie Amorla**- Hopefully, it hasn't been so long that you have forgotten this fic.

**Silver Wolf**- If you liked that, you'll love this.

**Harry/Ginny91**- Not soon, but at least it's updated.

**Whispers of Crimson**- Yay for cookies.

**Cola4life**- Glad you like.

**Kiki**- Done.

**AttackingHentaiChibisLoveFluff**- Sorry this took so long.

**Unknown Fool**- That happens, a little.

**Sarmoti-Gal**- Not soon, but better than never.

**Kagami the pants Faerie**- Alright then.

**Denekrad**- Definitely one of the more interesting reviews I've ever had.

**Otaku Nyu**- Alucard would, though.

**Eli**- As dumb as it sounds, I've never actually been to a fair, which means that your suggestions are much appreciated.

**Animationwickedraven**- You compliment me more than I deserve.

**StarBerrygirl**- Uh¼.. Right.

**Trunksgirlblaze27**- Right.

**Dagger1211**- Yep.

**Sailor Water Dragon**- Clowns are creepy.

**GT**- Yes, yes, yes.

Ok, then. A disclaimer in the form of a haiku.

**The teen titans are**

**Not owned by Ninjamuffin**

**So he wrote a fic**

Yes, 5,7,5. It is a haiku. Chapa-tar!

**Chapter Three: Mien Hut!**

"No, Master! Let him live!"

Seras was using all of her vampiric strength in an attempt to hold her master back. A failing attempt.

"Clown!" Alucard bellowed again. His mind was firmly set on destroying his enemy. Why would he want to kill the clown? Well, ironically, the great and mighty Alucard is afraid of clowns. And Alucard's personal philosophy is "If something scares you, shoot it." It wasn't a terribly good philosophy, but it got the job done.

"Master!" Seras was now being dragged along the floor of the haunted house. "Remember what Sir Integra said!" she cried desperately. A month without blood would be pretty unpleasant.

"It's worth it!" Alucard sounded even more deranged than usual. "I will finish what I started!"

"You don't even have a gun, Master!" Seras, while quite correct, was surprised when her master stopped in his tracks. He slowly turned to face her, expression blank.

"Since when have I ever needed a gun?" he questioned, before turning and beginning to tear his way through the haunted house once more, Seras clinging to the end of his coat.

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Bertrand looked up as he heard the shout come from the bowels of the haunted house. It sounded strangely like the word 'clown'. Moments later, Ernie came hobbling out at a frantic pace.

"Ernie! What ha-" was all he got out before his long-time friend had sped past him, screaming something about circuses and guns and ten years. The mustachioed man just gaped open-mouthed at his retreating back. The fastest he'd ever seen Ernie move before was a slow walk. Seconds later, he heard the yelling of a young woman.

"The children, Master! Think of the Children!" Bertrand turned back to the haunted house, seeing two people exit. One was an extremely tall man dressed in all red, who seemed to be looking for something important and the other was the owner of the voice. A young woman, sure enough. She was walking circles around the one she addressed as 'Master'.

"What have children ever done for me?" was the response her 'Master' gave in a deep baritone.

Bertrand wanted nothing more than for the couple to pass him by. The black-haired man didn't get his wish. Instead, the man in red turned and stared right at him for a moment, before stomping right over.

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"Have you seen this clown?" Alucard demanded of the human, pulling an amazingly detailed and accurate drawing of Ernie in his clown getup from the depths of his coat.

"Master, where did you get that?" Seras blinked, pointing at the picture.

"Not important." Alucard dismissed the subject. "Have you seen him?" he asked again.

"Uh, no. Sorry." Bertrand backed away slowly. The clown looked familiar, but he was far too scared to be thinking properly.

Alucard scowled. "Of course no-" he stopped in mid-word, catching a glimpse of what looked like rainbow hair in the distance. He immediately started to ran after it, only to stop as he felt his hat suddenly leave his head. He turned to find the police girl clutching his hat to her chest with both hands.

"Police girl, why do you have my hat?"

She stiffened, eyes wide, as though she hadn't expected to be caught. "Hat?" she tried to sound innocent. She failed.

"Yes." Alucard's tone gained a slight edge to it. "_My _hat."

"I don't have a hat." she laughed nervously, backing up as Alucard approached.

"Then please enlighten me as to what you are currently holding." he growled.

"It's, er, ah, hmm,- Look! A Monkey!" she pointed behind Alucard, before turning and bolting in the other direction.

The ancient vampire watched her run away for a moment, pure confusion on his face. He then chuckled, shaking his head. "I'll settle things with you later, clown."

And then he melted into the shadows.

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Seras was panting hard, her back pressed against the side of one of the attractions. Hopefully, her master was far behind her and he wouldn't rip her apart for insubordination. She nearly laughed at the thought. _Far behind my foot. _ He was probably already there, just waiting for the right moment to pop out and get the hat. Sneaky master.

"He won't get you that easily." she whispered to the hat, then, realizing how completely starkers she must sound, added "My preeeeciouss……" and a short laugh. It was at that moment that she bolted, as quickly as she could, away. Good timing, too. For at that moment, a hand shot out of the shadows and grabbed at the empty air she had previously occupied.

Alucard stepped out of the shadows, his manic smile in place. He did so love a good game of cat and mouse.

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Seras was really running now. To most people, she just looked like a blue and red blur. But, she had to run, lest her master get her. He had been toying with her for a while now, she knew. He had recently taken to reading her mind and finding out where she was going to stop and rest, then appearing there when she got close. It was wearing her out.

She had a plan, however. If her was reading her mind to see where she would stop, then she would try something unexpected. Up ahead was a maze of support beams for a small coaster they had set up in the fair. She focused on that.

As she neared them, however, she quickly ducked to the left, into a cotton candy booth. She kept watch on the entrance as she placed an order for a small bag. A few moments later, the whirring of the machine stopped and she heard the treat being put into the bag.

She turned around to thank and pay the man behind the counter, only to stop dead in her tracks. Her master was behind the counter, employee uniform and all, holding the bag out to her. She couldn't bring herself to do anything more than blink.

"You want it or not?" Alucard asked, trying to sound like a bored teenager. Seras continued to stare at him for a few moments, before falling to her knees, laughing too hard to stand. Alucard crossed his arms in a fake huff.

"I think it looks good on me." a smile tugged on the corner of his mouth. Seras just gasped for breath and continued laugh, managing a word here and there.

"Wh-Where d-did (HAHA!) you get (pfftt!) t-that uni- (HA!) Uni- (HAHA!) Uniform!" she took about ten minutes to actually say this. By that time, Alucard had returned to his normal attire, hat and all, and had maneuvered Seras to a table.

"The owner was happy to lend it to me once I calmly explained the situation."

"You (Ha) knocked him out, didn't you?" it wasn't actually much of a question.

"Yep."

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"Ooo! Ooo!" Seras tugged on her master's sleeve. "That one!" She pointed to one of those little fair game-booths in which you try to hit the cans with a ball and win a prize. She quickly pulled him over to it.

The man running it explained the rules, Seras smiling wide the whole time. Knock the cans down in three tries, you win a small stuffed animal. In two tries, a medium. And if you were to knock it down in one try (which was impossible, thanks to some nails) you get the mega-huge stuffed kitten. It was actually equal size with Seras.

As I'm sure you guessed, Seras eagerly took the three rubber balls and poured forth so much concentration that she actually put a Buddhist monk that was present to shame. He was admitted to the hospital later that week after a six day long meditation marathon.

Unfortunately, Seras was so concentrated that she forgo her master was standing right next to her. As she pulled her arm back to throw, he felt a tickle in his throat. And as she was letting the ball fly loose, he went "Ahem" to clear his esophagus. This, of course, caused his fledgling to jump, which made her release the ball incorrectly, which sent it flying straight up. Seras turned and glared at her master. He raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

Seras then went into a two minute rant about concentration and interruptions and giant stuffed-kitties and, somehow, she threw in a lesson on friendship and teamwork and the rewards of a job well done, which was accidentally caught on tape by a fair-goer, who thought it would make a good kids-show. He went on to create a children's program about a group of kids and their friend, a purple, talking dinosaur.

Shortly after the two-minute mark of her rant, Alucard clasped a hand over her mouth and pointed to the sky behind her. Intrigued, she turned around to find a small meteor falling towards the earth. Moments later, she realized that it was no meteor. It was her ball, rocketing back to the stand at high speed. Moments after that, the ball/meteor hit the booth, erupting in a big, fiery ball that was visible from space.

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Seras happily licked at her ice-cream, which was being held in her left hand. In her right, she held the wonderful giant-kitten. She got it on a technicality. She had destroyed the entire booth, but this also meant that she had knocked over the cans. That, and the fact that Alucard had made some threats involving a wedge of cheese and one _very_ agitated mongoose. (my lovely reoccurring joke) Afterwards, they had gotten some ice-cream. On the other side of the fair. All in all, it had been a good night. However, the night was not yet done…

"There's still one thing left to do…."

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There we go, the long-awaited update! Review!


	4. Ferris Wheels and Fanatical Priests

Well, the story is now done, so I hope you've enjoyed it. If you have, please take a look at my other stories. :puppy-dog eyes:

**Kittydemon18**- Yes, it's sad but true. Seras, how could you?

**Cheshire Anonymous**- Glad you like.

**Cheza's Despair**- No need to fear, Alucard is here! He'll get rid o' dem nasty clowns. Yeah, clowns are creepy.

**Animationwickedraven**- A lot of books I read originate in England, so I get to see lot's of British and English terminology. Hopefully, this one won't sit in that inbox for so long. XD

**Kilo**- Hey look, here's more!

**Elantil**- Glad you think so.

**Taraka Dasmascus**- Well, it's finished now.

**AttackingHentaiChibisLoveFluff**- Well, this was a little faster……. Heh.

**Denekrad**- :sticks out tongue: Meh, I update when inspiration strikes and not a moment sooner.

**Piperulz**- Glad you like it. Hope you like this chapter.

Okay, final chapter!

**Fair Play Chapter Four: Ferris Wheels and Fanatical Priests**

"There's still one thing left to do…."

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"Come on, Master!" Seras cried excitedly as she tugged upon Alucard's sleeve, pulling him towards the largest ride in entire fair, the Ferris wheel. The ancient vampire noted how enthusiastic his fledgling was and immediately started walking as slowly as he possibly could. This, of course, aggravated Seras to no end.

"Master!" she made a small whining sound, pulling harder on his sleeve as she glanced worriedly between the ride and her vexing sire, as though the wheel would sprout legs and run off. Switching tactics, she quickly got behind him and pushed with all her vampiric strength.

"I'm sorry, Police girl…" Alucard whispered dramatically as he stopped moving altogether and instead began to lean backwards, causing Seras to stop trying to move him forward and focus instead on simply keeping him from falling atop her. "Gravity," the blonde's knees shook as her master's weight magically increased. "Is increasing it's pull on me!"

"Is not!" Seras gave a strained shout from behind-slash-below the tall vampire. At this point she was barely even visible underneath the figure of her master, who was now nearly horizontal, two feet off the ground.

"Is so." Alucard stated matter-of-factly. "The same thing happened yesterday." Seras finally collapsed, the weight too much for her, and her master landed on top of her. Only the tips of her shoes and the top of her strawberry-blonde locks poked out from beneath the folds of red cloth.

"Master." Seras' voice was muffled, but it was still easy to detect the annoyance in her tone.

"Yes, police girl?" Alucard replied smugly, a large grin on his face.

"I hate you." Alucard simply laughed at this, his deep chuckles reverberating through Seras' stomach.

"If that's the case, perhaps I should make you stay down there until your attitude improves." he smirked. Seras' face deadpanned.

"Master, there's a clown down here." she whispered. Alucard traveled about ten feet straight up, letting out a horrified shout. After reaching ten feet, he realized exactly what he had just done, as well as the ridiculousness of Seras' statement. Slowly, he floated back to the ground and crossed his arms in huff, staring at Seras, who was still in a mini-crater in the ground.

"You lied." he stated in a low voice, his eyes narrowed behind his glasses.

"Sorry, master." Seras sounded sincere. "I couldn't breathe with you on me like that." Alucard was unmoved by her apology.

"You don't breathe."

"Uh, well, I, um-" she was cut off by her Master.

"Forget it." he made a shooing motion. "Get up, let's go." Seras struggled for a moment, but didn't get up.

"Master, I can't move." her voice held a worried edge. The crater she was in fit her form so perfectly that she had no leverage, and was therefore unable to move. Alucard blinked.

"You can't?" the corner of his mouth twitched. Seras tried again to move, just as unsuccessful as the first time.

"No. I'm stuck." Alucard broke out into a full fledged grin upon hearing this.  
"Are you now?" he kneeled next to her, a homicidal gleam in his eyes. Seras recognized the look immediately and renewed her efforts to free herself with double the fervor.

"No, Master! Please! I'm sorry!" she cried desperately as the maniac vampire pulled back his arm. He ignored her pleas for mercy. With lightning speed, his hand lashed out and silenced Seras cries, his index finger poking her stomach directly above her belly-button. The colour drained from Seras' face and she went perfectly still…. Then she burst out laughing.

"Take that!" Alucard cried as his finger relentlessly attacked her tickle-sensitive tummy again and again. "And that!" her armpits were assaulted next, causing her laughter to double. "And one of these!" He incorporated his other fingers now, making them scuttle across the nape of her neck. Seras could do little more than laugh and weakly cry for him to stop. After about thirty seconds, the master of torture relented.

"Have we learned our lesson?" he asked Seras as though she were a child who had broken a house rule. Seras nodded, still shaking with small bouts of laughter.

"Teasing master is bad." Alucard shook his head in an affirmative manner.

"Darn right." He grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled the petite woman from her concrete crater prison, setting her gently on her feet.

Seras opened her mouth to say her thanks, but was suddenly cut off as a certain, well-known cry filled the air.

"ABOMINATION!" came the shout of the ravenous, frenzied, and downright fanatically insane priest with a four dimensional jacket that holds an infinite amount of bayonets that have all been blessed by some bishop with far too much time on his hands when it comes to blessing weapons used by a secret order of Catholics, bent on eliminating the undead, who employ the priest who had given the accusatory shout, Alexander Anderson.

Alucard and Seras turned to see the fanatic pointing a rather threatening corndog in their direction, mustard and spittle alike flying from his mouth. In his other hand, he held a plastic baggie of water containing a fish and tied to that same wrist was a lovely purple string, with a brilliant yellow balloon attached to the end, which matched his t-shirt for his favorite band, Liquid Latin, a neo-Catholic rock group. Of course, this lovely ensemble of tourist fairgoer-wear was all brought together by the Bermuda shorts and knee-high socks. Needless to say, the two vampires were quickly incapacitated by their own laughter.

Of course, Anderson did not take kindly to being laughed at. After all, he hadn't asked for the abominations against God to come and crash his vacation. So, with a feral shout, the priest gently placed his fishy on the sidewalk, making sure it was out of the path of the throng of people marching along, and then charged headlong at Alucard, brandishing his corndog.

Alucard simply waited calmly as the priest approached. Then, as the crazed Catholic was mere inches from shoving the corndog up the vampire's nose, Alucard did something completely unexpected.

"Gah!" Alexander was forced to stop his charge as a small child was thrust into his face, the inertia causing him to fall on his face and skid several inches, his corndog flying from his hand and soaring through the air, before striking the Queen, who, thankfully, was not harmed. The corndog was taken in for questioning by the British Secret service. It is now living under the name Lorenzo Gabadichi as a part of the Breaded Protection Program (BPP).

"What in the name of-" Anderson was cut off as a small weight suddenly appeared upon his back, accompanied by the words "Yay! Piggyback ride!" Straining his neck around, Alexander found that the same child that the vampire had placed in his way was now sitting atop his back. Angrily, he stood up, the girl falling roughly on her bum.

"If you think you can use children as a shield," the priest pointed viciously at Alucard, the yellow balloon bouncing up and down with every movement. "The you're sadly-" he was cut off yet again, this time by a tug at the leg of his shorts. Looking down, he saw the same little girl he had just thrown off.

"Hey Mr. Tall-Guy, you help me find my mommy?" her freckled face was giving it's best puppy-dog pout.

"Ah, well, you see, child, the thing is," Alexander fidgeted under the gaze of the girl's green eyes. "I, um, can't. I just, just can't." A trickle a sweat worked it's way down his face as he face insurmountable guilt. The brown-haired child's eyes grew huge and wet.

"Why won't you help me?" she sniffled.

"I, but, I want- But see, I mean-" he was near hyperventilating at this point, his eyes darting between the girl and Alucard. "The Vampires!" he yelled suddenly. "Gotta stop vampires!"

"Tsk, tsk," Alucard slowly wagged his finger back and forth. "What kind of man of God are you? You won't even help a lost little girl find her mommy."

"Yeah." the girl added sadly, still clutching the leg of his shorts. "Why are you so mean to me?" Anderson nearly broke into tears from the pressure of his dual compulsions to kill vampires and help a little girl find her mother. Of course, in the end, the puppy-dog pout sealed Anderson's fate.

And, as the priest allowed himself to be slowly pulled away by a child of seven, he shook his fist at the amused vampires.

"Curse you! CUUUUUUURRRRRSSSEEEE YOOOOUUUUUUU!" his cries slowly faded into the night, leaving behind two laughing vampires and one giant Stuffed-kitty.

-----------------------

Luckily for our heroes, the remainder of the trip to the Ferris wheel was rather uneventful. And, due to Alucard's imposing size and sheer freakiness factor, they were able to make it to the front of the line in mere seconds. As Seras sat down in the seat, however, they ran into a problem.

"Master!" Seras cried worriedly to the red-clad vampire, even though he was only about a foot away. "Lilith won't fit!" she held up the gigantic plushie kitten. Alucard raised an eyebrow.

"You named a stuffed kitten 'Lilith'?" his face held a smirk of disbelief.

"Well, yeah." Seras shrugged, as though the name were the most obvious choice in the world. "I mean, what else could you _possibly_ name a soft, cuddly stuffed-kitty?"

"Jim?" Alucard offered.

"But she's a girl!" Seras sounded slightly offended that her master hadn't noticed this.

"Oh, in that case, you're right." Alucard nodded. "Lilith it is, then." Now, while it was good that they had come to an accord on the name, they still had the problem of what to do about Lilith's size. Alucard, of course, came up with a simple, yet slightly sadistic solution. Grabbing a random man from the crowd, he placed Lilith into his hands.

"If anything happens to this kitten," he growled dangerously. "Your life is forfeit. Understand?" the man simply nodded, too horrified to do much else.

"Good." Alucard grinned. "Just stay right there." with that, he turned and sat in the seat next to Seras.

"Master," Seras scolded him lightly. "It's not nice to threaten people's lives."

"Who says I'm nice?" Alucard let out one of his trademark laughs as the ride started up.

"Well, you're nice to me." Seras smiled her kitten smile at him. "Sometimes." she amended. Then, Seras' attention was suddenly grasped by the view from halfway up the wheel. For a few moments, she just sat there, a soft "wow" falling from her mouth. Their view overlooked the nearby river and a small patch of woodland. The stars shimmered brightly in the sky, their light reflecting off the water and bathing the trees in a soft, silvery glow. It was the view that had taken her breath away every year since she had been but a little girl; it never failed to leave her in awe.

From beside her, Alucard watched his fledgling's reaction to the scene with a smile on his face. That's right, a smile. Not a grin, not a smirk, not a sneer. A genuine smile. That smile quickly disappeared, however, when the overly-enthusiastic Seras leaned too far over…… and toppled straight over the security bar. Luckily for Seras, her master had not only incredible strength, he had incredible reflexes, as well. Almost before she realized she had fallen, she was being pulled back into the seat.

Then, something happened that shocked Seras even more than falling off the wheel. Alucard wrapped his arm tightly around her. She looked up to him to see his amused smirk and, surprisingly, his eyes. No glasses.

"We certainly can't have you falling out again, now can we?" he let out a short laugh. Seras smiled up at him and then scooted right up next to him, her own arms wrapping around his slender form and her head resting against his chest.

"No, we certainly wouldn't want that, master." she sighed contentedly, her gaze going back out to the water…..

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Sunrise, Hellsing Mansion, Walter's room.

"Ah, another day, another twelve hours without Alucard's antics." The Hellsing retainer stretched his arms out to the side as he sat on the edge of his bed, several loud cracks emitting from his back. Chuckling at his own little joke, Walter stood up and made his way over to his closet, as it wouldn't be proper to go about his duties in his pajamas.

Upon opening his closet, however, he let out a shrill, girly scream, fainting. As he lay on the ground, a large stuffed-kitten toppled out of his closet and landed on him with a small thud.

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Well, that's the end. I do hope you enjoyed it. Wow, things were way crazier in this chapter. Please review, Lilith commands it!


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